i'm sorry i don't post anymore.
but i can't put my thoughts into words anymore.
when i speak, i stumble.
when i write, it doesn't work.
i know something will come to me soon.
with my world changing the way it is.
the grey skies and autumn leaves, chilling winds and beautiful layers.
sooner then later i will write again.
i hope.  

 

i can't remember what it's like to have a best friend.
someone who can you tell you secrets too, who knows
almost everything about you. someone you have things in
common with, someone who you're nearly inseperable from.



since summer began, i haven't seen a single friend.
i've barely spoke to any of them.
i invite them over, and they cancel or simply can't.
other plans, other commietments, other friends.
they have lives...and i don't.



i barely leave the house because i have no where to go.
i miss school, because then i'm surrounded by people
and can easily not feel so alone.
i can't even remember the last time i spent time with
someone other then my family or their friends.



i feel cold, and empty.
i don't think i've ever felt so lonley.
constant thoughts of running away
to a strange place. a place where no one knows me.
a place where people, maybe, would want to know me.



did i do something wrong?
say something?
breath?
why is it that i'm rarely spoken to?
why is it that no one messages me, texts me?



i can't remember what it's like to have a best friend.

 i feel sick with nostalgia
thoughts of wild flowers and tangled tree branches,
long winding path ways.
fossils and a deep gorge.
a field of wheat grass and milk plants.

the sound of feet running down the pavement.
the smell of stables, the feel of the horse beneath me.
thundering hooves, wild dreams and wishes.

old lullabies, messy floors and countertops.
costumes layered with jackets, bags of candy
and dark night skies. games of make believe,
flying higher with each push, landing softly in
the sand. super powers and playground legands.

i miss those days of sweet, innocent childhood.
my old homes, my hometown, my grandparents,
their dogs and old china tea cups.
the smell of the wind, and school hallways.
i miss it all, and i want it back.

i've never been anything special. i can't run fast, or calculate complex equations.
i can't stand on a stage in front of strangers, as much as i'd like too...i can't sing, strum a guitar
or make beautiful music with piano keys. i can't dance in circles or make people cry.

to be honest, i'm not all that sure what i can do.
i'm not all that sure at all.
i know i have an overactive imagintion.
i know how to generate stares from others.
and not always good ones.

i know i can laugh at jokes three days later.
that i can i draw the most ridicious and sad looking monsters.
i know i can sit on my ass and watch movie after movie after movie.

i can stare at the darkening skies, and close my eyes...listening to the wind.
falling into a dreamland as the calm settles in...the clouds waiting to break open.
but what things that i can do? what important things?

nothing, that i'm aware of.
but...does it matter?

it feels like the world is passing by me.
so quickly, it's spinning around and around well i just
watch it blur.
my own mind clouded with daydreams and my eyes drawn
to my feet as they shuffle down the pavement.

i never feel connected anymore.
i'm always drifting away. up up and away in the atmosphere.
a daze that just never seems to go away...
i sway, and i mumble such nonsense.
i try and i try, but my contributions are never enough.
they'll never be enough.

i'm a dazy drifter now.
floating from one group to another.
just wondering in circles.
never really knowing where i'm going to end up.


my grades are slipping down with me.
my thoughts are drifting away with me.
my life is disappearing like the early morning clouds.
and as much as this hurts me, a tiny part of me...
a much large part dosen't give a fuck anymore.

i don't care, and i don't want to care.
i think i might give up soon...
or perhaps i'll try and climb back down to my natural self.
maybe that'll be best...maybe.

as i sit here now. i can't help but go back over
the memories of tonight. the pounding as i wacked
my head against the car window, as i kicked the dashboard,
as i sheirked, and screamed, spat venom and overeacted.
i don't know why i did it. i still can't fathom what was going
through my head as i did so. i cried for an hour, i sobbed
and felt nothing but failure and lonliness. i wanted someone to hold
me close, say no words and listen to my nonsense.

and still as i sit here, my eyes burn from the tears. some pain lingers
in my temples. and my heart aches for somebody, anybody to just let
me sob and tell me 'dear, calm down. ssh, you'll be alright.'
my mother, of course not. she's dealing with a narsscisit.
my sister is too young, and my feline may give comfort, but she will eventually
find a way to go.
i can't tell my friends, they'll think i'm crazy. hell of course i'm crazy.

i just need someone.
anyone.
please.